The Collar That Ate Montana
by Dark Mousy
Summary: Auron's Fiend Collar (According to Rikku, it's name is Emilio), has just eaten Montana! (Don't. Ask. I'm nuts.)
1. No More Montana!

The Collar That Ate Montana  
  
Reporter: *Taps her microphone* Ah-hem. We are here live on the border of the ruins of what once was Montana. To summarize this horrible tragedy, a monster collar came, and ate Montana. Back to you, Frank.  
  
Frank: *Standing one inch away* Thankyou. Yes. We are here at the brink of what was Montana. The party standing to our left, *Camera moves to them* are associated with the owner of the fiend collar. Let's go see if we can have a word.  
  
*Walk walk walk*  
  
Reporter: You! *Following Tidus* You there! Stop!  
  
Tidus: *Turns around* Wha?  
  
Reporter: *Stops in front of him, fixes her hair, then turns back to the camera, stuffing the microphone into Tidus' face* Can you please tell us what happened here?  
  
Tidus: Don't you know?  
  
Reporter: *Forces a smile* Please tell us in your words, sir.  
  
Tidus: Well, Auron's collar, *looks to Auron* just ate Montana and is on a beeline toward Michigan.  
  
Reporter: Why Michigan?  
  
Tidus: Because it wants to.  
  
Reporter: *Sigh* Can you tell us what led to these events?  
  
Tidus: Well, *Puts his hands behind his head* It all started when I was a kid...  
  
Reporter: *Hastily* Back to you, Frank.  
  
Frank: *Chipperly* Thanks, Pam! I'm here with the Lady Summoner, Yuna. Yuna. Could you please tell us your words on what happened here?  
  
Yuna: *Blinks as she looks from him to the camera* Auron's collar ate Montana and is now going to Michigan.  
  
Frank: How do you know that it's going to Michigan?  
  
Yuna: Because it said so.  
  
Frank: Did it say anything else?  
  
Yuna: Yes, it did. It said... *Thinks* `I require macaroni pictures.'  
  
Frank: Amazing. *Turns back to the camera with a horrified look* Back to you, Pam.  
  
Reporter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND we're back. I'm here with this woman, who has also associated with the owner of the Fiend Collar, who is no where to be found right now. Miss Lulu, can you please tell us what sparked this collar?  
  
Lulu: It wants macaroni pictures.  
  
Reporter: And... What exactly are macaroni pictures?  
  
Lulu: *Looking at the woman as if she's stupid* Pictures made of macaroni.  
  
Reporter: Why would the Fiend Collar want pictures made of macaroni?  
  
Lulu: You expect me to know?  
  
Rikku: Stop calling it that!  
  
Reporter: Stop calling what what?  
  
Rikku: Stop calling Emilio the Fiend Collar! He has a name!  
  
Reporter: Emilio?  
  
Rikku: Yah!  
  
Reporter: And... How did you come to find that out?  
  
Rikku: Emilio told me.  
  
Reporter: Did he say anything else?  
  
Rikku: Yah.  
  
Reporter: What. Did he say?  
  
Rikku: That the Vienna sausages from the grocery store somewhere tasted really great, and that's why he's going to Michigan.  
  
Reporter: Michigan sells Vienna sausages?  
  
Rikku: Dunno. *Shrugs*  
  
Reporter: Amazing. Back to you, Frank.  
  
Frank: Yes. Well, I'm here with this man who has also associated with the owner of the Fiend Collar. *Gets hit by a grenade with an un-pulled pin* I mean... Emilio.  
  
Rikku: I'll pull the pin next time!  
  
Frank: Er. Anyway, I'm here with Wakka. Wakka. What do you have to say on the situation?  
  
Wakka: Well, it's Yevon's will, ya? And besides, Emilio was hungry, ya?  
  
Frank: BUT HE ATE MONTANA!  
  
Wakka: Well, things happen, ya?  
  
Frank: Haven't you tried to fight it?  
  
Wakka: Well, that's where Auron's going now, ya?  
  
Rikku: He won't be able to do it alone! *Runs off*  
  
Tidus: *Follows*  
  
Lulu: *Follows*  
  
Yuna: *Follows*  
  
Wakka: *Follows*  
  
Frank: *Stops Kimahri* Wait! Please, a few more words! Have you tried to appease the beast by making macaroni pictures?  
  
Kimahri: Not enough macaroni for beast so large.  
  
Frank: BUT IT'S GOING TO EAT MICHIGAN!  
  
Kimahri: Not my fault.  
  
Frank: *Cries as Kimahri walks off* Back... to you... Pam.  
  
Reporter: Right now, all around the world, people have dedicated their time to making macaroni pictures. We can only hope that we won't run out of time before the Fiend Collar eats Michigan.  
  
Someone: *Hands the Reporter something*  
  
Reporter: Oh no! Due to new information, the Fiend Collar has now demanded soap sculptures as well! What will the world do? We have a Fiend Collar that JUST ate all of Montana on the loose!  
  
A/N: Please. Don't ask. I was at school and I was ranting about FFX and my friend was just like:  
  
"Who's that? Is that the guy with the collar that ate Montana?"  
  
And I couldn't stop laughing. I mean... The collar that ate Montana. Hehe. Please, flame away, this was so totally pointless and worse, it wasn't even funny. ^^;;; This'll be my new story to get over writer's block, so just ignore me as I begin writing my new FFX saga. Really. I'm not this bad a writer. 


	2. Onto Michigan! Dun na, dun na...

The Collar That Ate Montana  
  
Onto Michigan! Hi ho Silver, away!  
---  
  
Reporter: *Is running through the rain, with hair matted to face* "Yes, well!" *Breath breath* "We are currently on the trail of the Fiend Collar who is on its way to Michigan! From recent news that has been told, the supposed owner of the Fiend Collar, the legendary guardian Auron, is almost up to it! WHAT will he do?"  
  
*Camera turns to Frank, who is sitting on the steps of the White House throwing eggs at the front door*   
  
Frank: *Turns to the camera* Gotta…love…Democracy… OH NO!  
  
Reporter: *Was fixing her hair* What is it?!  
  
Frank: Congress has just left out the back door on Harley Davidson motorcycles, with their ties flapping in the wind!  
  
Reporter: Oh my God! They're going to fight the Fiend Collar!  
  
Frank: *Covers his ears* I hear the beginning of the Batman theme!  
  
*Suddenly, Donna and Luzzu come dancing in front of Frank singing the Batman theme… Only instead of inserting Batman, they're inserting Congress!*  
  
Donna: Dun na dun na dun na dun na… CONGRESS!  
  
Frank: *Blinks, wide-eyed* Pam! I'm going to follow Congress to the borders of Michigan! Back to you!  
  
Reporter: *Is still running through the rain* The Fiend Collar stands no chance against congress!  
  
Tidus: *Is standing in the distance, talking to Wakka about strategy*  
  
Reporter: Wait, can it be? It's Sir Wakka and Sir Tidus ahead! *Runs up to them* What are you both doing here?  
  
Tidus: PUBERTY! AAAAAAAAAH! *Runs around, arms flailing*  
  
Reporter: O.O;  
  
Wakka: Don't worry about him, ya?   
  
Reporter: But… *Shakes head* What do you have to say on this situation, Sir Wakka?  
  
Wakka: Saliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiva!  
  
Reporter: Saliva….???  
  
Wakka: Ya. Saliva.  
  
Reporter: What does saliva have to do with anything?  
  
Wakka: What do you think we've been standing in the rain for? We just got spit on by Auron's collar, ya?  
  
Reporter: You mean, you mean the Fiend Collar was *HERE*!?!?! This is North Dakota! According to Lady Summoner Yuna, the Fiend Collar was going to Michigan!  
  
Wakka: Auron's collar *is* going to Michigan.  
  
Reporter: But this is North Dakota!  
  
Wakka: Wait… I hear something, ya?  
  
*Tidus stops running, and Wakka and the Reporter go silent*  
  
*A winged creature is seen in the distance, and a faint song is coming to the ears…*  
  
Dun na dun na dun na dun na CONGRESS! Dun na dun na dun na dun na CONGRESS!  
  
*Donna and Luzzu come sweeping down on Valefor, singing the CONGRESS theme as motorcycles are heard in the distance*  
  
Wakka: FORBIDDEN MACHINA! *Begins to run around with Tidus, who has resumed his running*  
  
*CONGRESS comes riding up to the Reporter and Wakka and Tidus on their motorcycles*  
  
Congressman #1: *Gets off, straightening his wet suit and tie* Do you know the whereabouts of Emilio?  
  
Wakka: *Stops* He just passed through here, ya?  
  
Tidus: *Stops* What's your plan of action?  
  
Congressman #2: On the borders of Michigan, the people of America have been thrusting their macaroni pictures and soap sculptures into one large pile to appease the beast!  
  
Congressman #3: *Pulls out his macaroni picture* I made one of a pony! Her name is Starchaser Princess Mika Smelley Icecream Doogle Mashi…  
  
Congressman #1: Would you like us to sing a song for you?  
  
Reporter: Well, I really have to..  
  
Congressman #1: *Interrupts* Tiny salmon swimming in the sea…  
  
Congressman #2: *Pulls out a guitar, beginning to strum* Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream…  
  
Congressman: #3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12…: The might of earth says…  
  
Tidus: *Runs in front of them* No more! No more! Stop! The collar is going to eat Michigan!  
  
*All of CONGRESS jumps on their motorcycles, putting on their sunglasses even though it's dark*   
  
Frank: *Finally comes running up, then stands next to Pam* I… have just… followed… CONGRESS… here… Back…to…you...Pam… *Faints*  
  
Reporter: AMAZING! CONGRESS has resumed their trek to defeat the Fiend Collar! But what of its owner?  
  
*Donna and Luzzu come flying down, then begin to follow CONGRESS*  
  
Donna and Luzzu: Dun na dun na dun na dun na… CONGRESS!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
To be pitifully continued… 


	3. No Shit, it's MONKEYS!

Frank likes monkeys.

Frank has 300 pet monkeys.

Frank's 300 pet monkeys are currently following CONGRESS to Michigan.

Pam likes hamsters.

Pam has 500 hamsters.

Pam's 500 rabid hampsters are following the guardian group.

Frank also likes broccoli.

Frank has three year-old rancid broccoli…

Between his toes.

Pam also likes arranging flowers.

Pam has a midget who arranges her flowers.

The midget's name is Fletcher.

Frank loves his monkeys.

Frank lost 197 of his monkeys…

Because Emilio ate them.

Pam loves her hamsters.

Pam lost 300 of her hamsters…

On claim that she was hungry.

Fletcher loves pink flowers.

Fletcher wears pink flowers in his hair.

Fletcher has webbed feet.

---

Reporter: It is a sad, black day for us all!

Frank: Yeah! The rain washed out the broccoli in my toes!

Reporter: …. No. The Fiend Collar has succeeded in eating Michigan. 

Frank: Fletcher is currently on the scene with Sir Tidus! To you, Fletcher!

***Frank and the Reporter jump on motorcycles and proceed to follow CONGRESS***

Fletcher: Where are my donuts?! God damn cheap monkeys… 

Some dude: ***Whispers*** You're on…

Fletcher: Oh yah, right. Well, I'm heah wit' mah man and pimp dadday Tidus. Tidus, mah man, tell meh what happened heah.

Tidus: ***Blinks, then points behind, where Auron is fighting Emilio*** Well, it ate all the macaroni pictures…

Fletcher: So? Whut do we'm care?

Rikku: ***Runs up, breathing hard*** Emilio… isn't… appeased!! Auron can't win! He just can't! 

Tidus: I think Yuna's going to do a summon! 

????: WAIT!

***Everyone turns***

????: ***Is in the shape of a monkey, and comes out of nowhere*** I am the forgotten fayth, you will need me to defeat Emilio.

Rikku: Well hurry! Auron's dying!

Yuna: …. ***Does a little dance*** ***Makes a little love*** ***AND SUMMONS!***

Retarded Shit Hurling Monkey (previously ????): ***Crawls up to stand in front of Yuna*** ***Hurls shit at Emilio***

Some hicks that somehow got onto the borders of Michigan: And Emilio stepped on the monkey.

And Emilio ate Pam's hamsters.

And the rest of Frank's pet monkeys.

He burned what was left of their corpses…

And flushed them down the toilet.

But they didn't flush.

And so he can't use the bathroom.

Even though he's standing on the edge of Michigan.

Which was just eaten.

Reporter: ***Is now running through the rain*** Sir Auron was unable to defeat the Fiend Collar because he was knocked unconscious by the smell! To you, Frank!

Frank: ***Is riding after CONGRESS on a motorcycle*** My monkeys… MY MONKEYS….!!!

Reporter: …. Fletcher…

Fletcher: Well yah. I mean. Yah. You see, dat der collar is er..headin' toward Nevada. 

Reporter: And do you know why?

Tidus: ***Steals the mic*** For cotton candy! It now asks for cotton candy shaped like a My Little Pony! WAKKA?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! DON'T DO IT, MAN, DON'T DO IT…

Reporter: As promised, we will keep you updated on these tragic events…. CONGRESS is currently taking a… coffee break?!?! WHAT LAZY ASSES! GET YOUR ASSES BACK HERE!!!

Mwahahahahahahhaha….. I'm so weird….


	4. Nevada? WHAT Nevada?

Chapter Four  
  
"Nevada? What Nevada?"  
  
  
  
  
  
Reporter: *Fixes her hair, smiles, and turns to the camera* "And we're back on the fifth day of the tragic events of Emilio! The sun has just risen, and it seems that Emilio is on the move! Frank! Give us the low down from the borders of Nevada!"  
  
Frank: "WELL, Pam." *The camera turns to him, since he is standing right next to her* "I'm here on the border of Nevada! It seems that Yuna and her guardians have found a way to keep the beast at bay!" *Gets hit in the head with a shoe* "WHO IS IT NOW?!"  
  
Reporter: "THANKYOU, Frank." *Camera changes back to her, and she flashes a cheesy smile* "Yes. Fruitcake. Mounds and mounds of fruitcake are beginning to be placed along Nevada's borders, and it seems as if the Fiend Collar is straying away! Fletcher, give us the low down from the scene of the Fruitcake!"  
  
Fletcher: *Is standing five feet away, where mounds of fruitcake is being dropped from helicopters* "Weeeeell… While mah man Auro was asleep he was approa'ched by a rabid fax machine."  
  
Auron: *Is standing two feet away* *Looks at Fletcher funny* "His name was Don Juan."  
  
Fletcher: "Aaaaaaaanyweh, in exchange for something, it would tell Auro what the weakness of dat coller ish."  
  
Auron: *Goes into a hypnotic state* "The cowlick. It demanded the cowlick."  
  
Reporter: *Pushes Auron off the spotlight* "Currently Congress is on the move with various hair products. Because… BREAKING NEWS!" *She grabs the piece of paper handed to her by Frank, then faints*  
  
Frank: *Picks up the paper and read* "Breaking News: In the middle of the night Sir Wakka, Yuna's Guardian, was viciously attacked and in turn his cowlick was stolen. Some chemical reaction happened, and the cowlick was fed through a… Fax machine?"  
  
Auron: *Somewhere off set* Don JUAN! Cunning… He's a cunning one…  
  
Frank: *Continues reading* "The cowlick has grown to ENORMOUS proportions and is now en route to Nevada!" *Stops when he is hit with… Jelly like substances…. IMPLANTS?!*  
  
Lulu: *Takes the mic calmly* "I want all of America to know that Georgy is here to fight Emilio. Wakka cannot comment at the moment since he is in a state of emotional stress…"  
  
Yuna: "While we're waiting for Emilio to eat Nevada, which he is doing…" *Everyone turns to watch, and she plucks the mic* "Please buy my Boyfriend Manual! Breathing like you are on life support truly does wonders for the men!"  
  
Reporter: "A HUGE CHUNK OF NEVADA IS MISSING! EMILIO HAS GOTTEN PAST THE FRUITCAKE!!!"  
  
Lulu: "My push up bras are for sale as well."  
  
Yuna: *Smiles* "And you know me!" *Nervous laugh* "Always ready to die for Spira!"  
  
Fletcher: *While everyone has turned to watch Emilio devour Nevada* "I lost my puppet pig… MY PUPPET PIG!!! Filbeeeeeerrrrrt!!!"  
  
*The song of CONGRESS is heard in the distance*  
  
*Someone taps Yuna on the shoulder, and she turns, met with a dorky looking person with a platypus on their t-shirt.*  
  
Person: "Hello, summoner Yuna. My name is Frederick. I am here with my society of Fredericks and Frederika's."  
  
Frederick's and Frederika's: *In unison* "Hello Summoner Yuna."  
  
Frederick #1: "We are an elite group of activists for the Platypi."  
  
Frederika #1: *Giggles* "We live for the Platypi! Go Platypi Society of AMERICA!!"  
  
Yuna: "…What can I do for you? If you'll excuse me, Nevada is being eaten by a huge collar…"  
  
Frederick #2: "We rehearsed a song for you, Summoner Yuna!" *While the collar is finishing it's snack of Nevada*  
  
Yuna: "That's…Nice…But I really do not have time at the moment…"  
  
Platypi Society: "Dun… Dud u dud a!" *The begin to bob up and down, moving their arms too* "We love you Summoner Yuna, you make us feel free! We love you Summoner Yuna, you saved us, whee hee! We love you Summoner Yuna, we love you like our friends!" *Points to the Platypi on their shirts* "We love you Summoner Yuna, we love you Summoner Yuna, we love you Summoner Yuna, hoorah!" *They begin to do square dancing* "All because…"  
  
  
  
*To the Green Acres theme:* "SpiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIra is the place to be! Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin livin' is the life for me! Land spreadin' out so far and wide, keep the fayth and just gimme this countryside!!!"  
  
Frederika #100: "With YUUUUUUUUUUNA's where I'd rather be! Iiiiiiiiii've gotten so happy I gotta pee! I just ADORE her summoning ways, even though her hair's made of hay!"  
  
Yuna: …. *Edges away*  
  
The Platypi Society of America falls into the pit of Nevada and gets eaten.  
  
The end.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
PS – Don't ask, don't flame. 


End file.
